I Bought a Gun

One day I bought a shotgun 

and I looked at my shotgun

and its shells

and I said quietly to myself: "Courage".

But for some reason my heart still shrank 

and my hands still trembled

and I felt alone and small

as I watched the others stride around me;

and I said quietly to myself: "I need more".

So, one day, I bought a rifle 

and I looked at my rifle

and its cartridges

and I said aloud: "Courage".

But somehow courage eluded me

and my eyes darted about

and I felt at ill at ease

as I watched the others stride around me;

and I said aloud: "I need more".

So, I one day, I bought a revolver

and I looked at my revolver

and its bullets

and I said in a clear, firm voice: "Courage".

But why was my heart still so small

and why was I nervous

and feeling uncomfortable

as I watched the others stride around me;

and I said in my clear, firm voice: "I need more".

So, one day, I bought an automatic

and I looked at my automatic

and its magazine

and I said in a loud voice: "Courage".

But where was the courage I wanted

and I found myself shying away

and why did I feel so alone

as I watched the others stride around me;

and I said in my loud voice: "I need more".

So, one day, I bought a semi-automatic rifle

and I looked at my semi-automatic rifle

and its extended magazine

and I screamed: "Courage".

But I didn't find my courage in my guns

and I didn't find it in myself

and I felt too much to bear

as I watched the others stride around me;

and I screamed my scream: "I need more".

So, one day, I took my guns with me

and I looked at my guns

and all their ammunition

and I softly said to myself: "Courage".

But for some reason my heart shrank

and my hands still trembled

and I felt alone and small

as I watched the others stride around me:

and I softly said to myself: "Maybe tomorrow..."

The Silent Spaces

The Silent Spaces

I. The Awakening

When I first awoke a hand touched me 

and it felt of kindness and love

and trust, the promise of safety and security

I learned to love the touch in an instant

through the skin all the way to my heart and soul

I learned to await the moments of caress

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I first awoke the scent surrounded me

and it smelled of love and kindness

and trust, the promise of safety and security

I learned to love the scent in an instant

replacing the scent of my mother in my heart and soul

I learned to await the times when it filled me

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I first awoke I tasted that which held me

and I drank of the kindness and love

and trust, the promise of safety and security

I learned to love the taste in an instant

it sated me as if it filled my heart and soul

I learned to await every bite of belief

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I first awoke I saw the face above me

the look of gentle love and kindness

and trust, the promise of safety and security

I learned to love the sight in an instant

filling my eyes, my being, my heart and soul

I learned to await the coming, every appearance

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I first awoke the sound engulfed me

and I heard the kindness and love

and trust, the promise of safety and security

I learned to love the sound in an instant

hearing fulfilled my being unto my heart and soul

I learned to love the arrival of the sounds

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

II. The Letting Go

When I last closed my eyes the hand lingered

and it still felt of kindness and love

and trust, the promise of safety and security

but I have learned many kinds of touches

the kind and the cruel on my heart and soul

I learned to love the caresses unconditionally

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I last closed my eyes the scent lingered

and still I smelled the love and kindness

the trust, the promise of safety and security

but I have learned many kinds of scents

both wary and eager for my heart and soul

I learned to love the knowledge they brought 

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I last closed my eyes the taste lingered

I yearned to drink the kindness and love

the trust, the promise of safety and security

but I have learned many kinds of tastes

the sweet and the bitter pierce my heart and soul

I learned to await the feasts and the hunger

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I last closed my eyes the image lingered

a look of sorrow filled with love and kindness

and trust, the promise of safety and security

but I have learned many kinds of sights

gentle, angry and indifferent to my heart and soul

I learned to treasure every appearance

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

When I last closed my eyes the sound lingered

a sad litany of regret, pain, kindness and love

and trust, the promise of safety and security

but I have learned many kinds of sounds

silence, whispers, calls, shouts in my heart and soul

I learned to love the silent spaces, to wait

and savored each as if it would continue forever.

JEG.

12/26/12

A Man in Chains

It is said that, when he was a young man,
Lincoln once saw slaves in chains
and that the sight shaped his outlook;
whether the story is anecdotal or not
it stands to reason that a man of wisdom
would see things in such a way,
a way in which he placed himself in the place
of others and shuddered at the feeling.

Once I knew a man in chains,
though they were not made of iron,
they bound him as surely as any slave
to the mercy of a limited space
in which slight movement was possible;
and, barring a miracle, they would never break
only grow tighter and the space more limited
until they had strangled life away.

Learning to live with chains cannot be easy,
those gradual limitations ever reaching,
the legs, the arms and the fingers,
the creeping agony of not pain but frustration;
the acknowledgment of loss despite the fight
each motion less until motion is denied
and physical dignity becomes a lost memory
that only wisdom can overcome.

And such wisdom is never easily learned;
forced upon us unwillingly, unwittingly
so many of us would reject it
and accept the bitterness and live in hate;
to live in love and acceptance is the harder choice,
the path stony, the nettles and thistles tearing
pieces of the soul until you would imagine
that the soul was somehow compromised.

This was not the case of the man in chains,
his soul's choice was to flower
amidst the weeds, waste and stone,
to blossom, to smooth, to soften the desolation
and those of us who came upon this
could only stare in wonder
at the difference one man could make;
but we only excused our inactivity.

I recalled Lincoln sickened, seeing the slaves,
and my heart was broken at the thought,
yet I could almost understand a transcendence
which creates such men out of dust, out of toil
that chains do not detract from their essence,
that their chains define us and our weaknesses;
it is to our sorrow that they are called beyond
but a joy that they leave us such gifts.

ARL-23

I've Never Been to France

I've never been to France but I've seen the elephant and watched the monsoons dance on the muddy water churning in the PBR's wake. I've listened to the cant of the CPO's rant but I've never been to France, I'd like to have had the chance. I've never been to France but I've ridden the tornado and watched the bullets dance through the muddy water churning in the PBR's wake. I came in bravado through Laredo but I've never been to France, and I never had the chance. I've never been to France but I've seen beaucoup grunts fall and watched them do the death dance in the muddy water churning in the PBR's wake. I let engines stall but now they're on the wall, and they never got to France, though I'm sure they'd have liked the chance.

The Story of the New Toy

A few weeks ago I ordered a new Macbook.

When it came I was very excited.

It was my first laptop computer.

I'd been wanting one for years.

I carefully opened the box,

Like the adult I am,

Not ripping the packaging away.

Like a child at Christmas or a birthday party.

But the feeling was much the same,

The anticipation,

The hope,

The need.

Oh! the things my computer and I could do!

Oh! how useful, clean sleek and compact!

Oh! the promise of power and control!

Oh! was there anything it and I couldn't do?

So, after carefully putting away the packaging,

I might need it later,

I'm not a child,

I plugged it in, opened it up and turned it on.

The excitement was palpable within my chest.

This was a new feeling.

I carefully went through every step,

I carefully loaded every program.

It was working!

So I carefully closed the top,

And I put it on my desk,

Where it still sits today.

Waiting for the time of need.

Waiting for the desperate moment.

Waiting for the vindication

Of all the expense incurred.

But sometimes, day or night,

My fingers itch and I take it in my hands,

Cool, sleek and aluminum,

I think of what may be.

I practice typing everyday.

I practice loading and unloading the software.

I open it gloriously in my hands.

I wipe and clean every surface gently.

But sometimes, day or night,

I feel the urge to use it,

For the purpose for which it was made.

I don't think I can wait much longer.

an animal inside

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a rat

gnawing and biting

the heart and the soul

creeping in and crawling out

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is an ox

moaning and groaning

the lips and the tongue

stumbling up and bumbling down

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a tiger

ripping and tearing

the meat and the bones

stalking to and lurking fro

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a rabbit

trembling and shivering

the fingers and the toes

scurrying back and scampering forth

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a dragon

burning and searing

the thought and the mind

twisting up and turning over

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a snake

slithering and sliding

the sight and the sound

coiling around and curving under

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a horse

stamping and demanding

the fists and the feet

jumping over and bursting through

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a sheep

calming and cowering

the spirit and the spine

standing behind and ducking down

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is an ape

screeching and screaming

the mouth and the jaw

jumping up and jerking down

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a rooster

prancing and preening

the cock and the balls

calling out and crowing in

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a dog

sensing and sampling

the taste and the smell

worrying to and hurrying from

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

there is an animal inside me

and that animal is a bear

growling and groping

the arms and legs

crashing through and smashing up

the spaces left

and i am less than before.

12/31/08 jeg.