Letting Go

When I first stepped into the river

I knew I couldn't swim

and the river was swollen

and running fast

a dark and muddy brown

but I took the step anyway.

There was the shock of the cold

the shock of the turbulence

the shock of the swirling current

and vision narrowed

and my breath become heavy

and thick with the river.

Then I woke

to realize it was all a dream

but when I sighed in relief

the river's water filled my mouth

and then I awoke again

to know it was not a dream.

Yet I did not struggle

against the currents

I did not seek to escape

I let them carry me where they would

I let them punish me as they wanted

and closed my eyes helpless.

In the darkness I turned, wallowed and slid

to open my eyes mention defeat

to panic and claw and grasp

to struggle and heave and gasp

to fear the fear that held me.