the process of mourning

i find myself ever deeper

in the process of mourning

each loss chips away a bit more

of the stone surrounding my heart

leaving it more vulnerable

and more aware of loss

the time past present and future

blur into an expanding sea 

of the lost the losing and those to be lost

the weakening ties wrapt in tendrils

swirled in eddies swept by tides

disappearing into the deep

the easy explanations made complicated

the simple plans made obscure

decisions right or neutral or wrong

turned by my mind into and out of each other

recall regret remorse

the mystery becomes the mundane

each loss makes me weaker

and less prepared to face that loss

and less prepared to face the next loss

until i lay helpless cringing in fear

of losing those whom i love

even at the thought of their love

the weakness envelopes me

the sea of loss pulls me deeper

as i struggle to surface

an arm a hand a finger

the salt of this sea from my tears

the brine from my heart

and i settle in this depth

waiting for the next blow to fall

know that it is inevitable and obscene

not knowing from which direction it comes

not knowing which piece it will take from me

yet knowing i will shrink further and further

jeg.

5/10/18

the animal at home

when i wandered through the night

crouching and ducking from shadow to shadow

i lived with the scent of home to my senses

it guided me as i cowered, it led me as i hide

and all around me the world lay, away from home

jeg.

6/18

an acceptable loss

i woke up at 5:30 this morning with the words 

just let them go

echoing in my head

my first waking reaction was to ask who should i let go

and my losses came unbidden to mind

a mother a father a sister a friend and another and another

and the list continued

until i cut it off

i was on my feet standing by the bed

clenching my hands hard

squeezing my eyes hard

yet the tears still fell

i do not want to let the beloved go

to fade dusty and gray into my mind

to efface themselves until

there is nothing but a vague dream voice left

i want to rage against their leaving me alone

i want to blame someone 

me them the invisible god

for taking so many away from me

i don’t want the tears to dry

i don’t want my sorrow to go

i don’t want to feel all right 

i don’t want to get better

i want to remember the hurt

i want to recall the curse

i want to relive the fight

i want to rage in the pain

this is what makes love real

this is what makes love worth the price

a price that never is paid

at the cost of love and life and eternity

i don’t want to let go

i want them to suffer with me as they suffered me

i want to live in their sorrows as they live in mine

i need to tell them

i need to tell them what

i need to tell them what i never told them but i hoped they knew

i need to tell them what

i need to tell them to never go away and leave me waiting for dreams

this morning the sun rises in my window as i stand by the bed

my hands ache a little

my cheeks are burning as the tears dry

i want to return to sleep

where maybe their voices will speak aloud again

and where maybe i can talk of the things

that mattered and didn’t matter that happened and didn’t happen

and maybe awake rested and prepared for another day alone

jeg.

9/19/18

outside

living inside their own world, 

inside their own minds, 

it is almost impossible to either really know others 

or really understand others

too often we assume that other people think 

much as we think

and we despair at those who diverge 

from what we know to be right

beliefs and civilization depend upon 

different thinking people to agree 

a minimum of a same ideology 

misunderstanding and mistakes too common

important and imperative we do our best to understand 

while living inside our own closed world 

sympathy, empathy, altruism, charity, kindness 

dependent upon this

evil minded men to appear as good

right minded people to appear as evil 

perspective measured within

fears not other’s fears, 

fears not greater or lesser 

right, religion, pain,

living in the narrow space 

sharing life, the internal voices

not knowing other fear, hope, dream, wish, belief

an uncertain man 

apart from others 

wishing to were a part of others

study all and know what cannot be known

men cannot know as women know 

races cannot know as other races know

oppressors cannot know as the oppressed know

slave owners cannot know as the slave knows

jeg.

10/18

complex

the measure of trust

not trusted for the simple

then not the complex

lies

moments awaiting

the unthinkable is hell

a tattered heart lies

away

stillness should not be

with all the promise of life

wildness drained away