an acceptable loss

i woke up at 5:30 this morning with the words 

just let them go

echoing in my head

my first waking reaction was to ask who should i let go

and my losses came unbidden to mind

a mother a father a sister a friend and another and another

and the list continued

until i cut it off

i was on my feet standing by the bed

clenching my hands hard

squeezing my eyes hard

yet the tears still fell

i do not want to let the beloved go

to fade dusty and gray into my mind

to efface themselves until

there is nothing but a vague dream voice left

i want to rage against their leaving me alone

i want to blame someone 

me them the invisible god

for taking so many away from me

i don’t want the tears to dry

i don’t want my sorrow to go

i don’t want to feel all right 

i don’t want to get better

i want to remember the hurt

i want to recall the curse

i want to relive the fight

i want to rage in the pain

this is what makes love real

this is what makes love worth the price

a price that never is paid

at the cost of love and life and eternity

i don’t want to let go

i want them to suffer with me as they suffered me

i want to live in their sorrows as they live in mine

i need to tell them

i need to tell them what

i need to tell them what i never told them but i hoped they knew

i need to tell them what

i need to tell them to never go away and leave me waiting for dreams

this morning the sun rises in my window as i stand by the bed

my hands ache a little

my cheeks are burning as the tears dry

i want to return to sleep

where maybe their voices will speak aloud again

and where maybe i can talk of the things

that mattered and didn’t matter that happened and didn’t happen

and maybe awake rested and prepared for another day alone

jeg.

9/19/18