the process of mourning

i find myself ever deeper

in the process of mourning

each loss chips away a bit more

of the stone surrounding my heart

leaving it more vulnerable

and more aware of loss

the time past present and future

blur into an expanding sea 

of the lost the losing and those to be lost

the weakening ties wrapt in tendrils

swirled in eddies swept by tides

disappearing into the deep

the easy explanations made complicated

the simple plans made obscure

decisions right or neutral or wrong

turned by my mind into and out of each other

recall regret remorse

the mystery becomes the mundane

each loss makes me weaker

and less prepared to face that loss

and less prepared to face the next loss

until i lay helpless cringing in fear

of losing those whom i love

even at the thought of their love

the weakness envelopes me

the sea of loss pulls me deeper

as i struggle to surface

an arm a hand a finger

the salt of this sea from my tears

the brine from my heart

and i settle in this depth

waiting for the next blow to fall

know that it is inevitable and obscene

not knowing from which direction it comes

not knowing which piece it will take from me

yet knowing i will shrink further and further

jeg.

5/10/18