my father's voice

i awoke at 3:00 a.m. 

with my father’s voice echoing in my head

i lay there for some time

trying to bring it back again

i have not heard

my father speak in over 25 years

the last i saw of him

both of us tearful as i drove away

while he lay dying

he wrestled death in silence

gripping my hand in an iron grasp

blankly unseeing unhearing unspeaking

i wondered if he knew whose hand he gripped

i hoped he knew i’d finally come home again

my selfish heart

my willful soul

when i heard his voice

i forced myself awake

and opened my eyes blind in the darkness

only to waken from the dream alone

he had called my name

whether in need

whether is anger

i will never know

clear

resonate

decisive

commanding

i lay there shivering for some time

afraid to wake afraid to sleep

until finally i turned

and waited to hear again

jeg

11/17