in me

I wonder about the human in me

what keeps it civilized, what keeps it sane

the animal wrenches and writhes

just below the surface

threatening to emerge

at the least convenient moment

I feel the struggle when I’m at my weakest

where do these thoughts come from

the evil words bubble and roil

scum upon the surface

a sickly foam leaking 

at the corners of a silent mouth

I recall all that was once in me

I quiver and gag at the weakness displayed

disavow the evil and anger and ignorance

hidden under a surface

of a shimmering mask

and acknowledge that it was real

I wonder how much of the evil

was of me and by me and for me

and how much was instilled in me

the inclination to hate

the disposition to judge

prejudice and bias mocking reality

I ask should I forgive myself 

or forever wallow in guilt and remorse

and lie that it wasn’t really me

it was the animal

it was the untamed

that was in control of my heart

5/17

jeg.